"You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist." – Indira Gandhi
Unfortunately, I experience communication conflicts often with my son’s father (we have been separated since shortly after Jack’s birth); as of now we hardly ever speak to each other and most of our communication is done via email. This saddens me because I wish that we could put our differences aside and focus on what we have that connects us-our son, Jack.
Two strategies that I have learned that have helped me resolve some of the conflicts between us are: (1) knowing when to change the mode of communication-or even leave the conversation for later-and (2) to leave anything that can be perceived as criticism or judgment aside. I have learned that rather than continuing a discussion when he clearly does not agree or want to talk is not effective; now when he shuts down I ask him if he would like to email me or discuss the issue later. This seems to help as it can give us time to think about what we want to say and time for us to cool down and communicate with less anger. The second strategy I found helps me to communicate better with him is to make my statements very neutral and focused on Jack rather than us; I try to stick just to the issue that we are discussing and try to leave my opinions out and use words that are not accusatory or negative. This strategy also seems to help because I am trying to respect his opinions as Jack’s father rather than putting him on the defense. Ultimately, what I have learned is that I cannot keep going back to what was said or done in the past; I must be able to be open to communicating with him and be willing to accept his perspectives if I want to establish any positive communication interactions with him. Although it has been hard, I have been trying to look at things from his perspective and understand where he is coming from.
Sadly, our communication situation is less than ideal. I would love to be able to discuss parenting issues with him as he does play a role in our son’s life but he has made it clear that he does not wish to talk to me. I am glad to learn about new conflict resolution strategies and nonviolent communication skills but my main problem is how I can effectively communicate with someone who has made it clear he does not want to communicate with me. I think that this problem can be found in other situations too, including some in the early childhood field such as when parents (or teachers) do not wish to discuss certain topics that may be important…Does anyone have any ideas on how to effectively communicate with someone who does not wish to communicate or who is not reciprocating?
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI have met many women in your situation. This conflict is hard to resolve because communication takes two people. I would recommend agreeing to meet in a public place like a Mcdonald's playland. He may not be tempted to explode because there are other people around. I would also considering telling him what you told us about how you really want his input on some parenting issues. Let him know that you guys are not going to stray from that conversation. Thanks for sharing your intimate story.
Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your statement that you cannot keep going back to what was done or said in the past but must focus on communicating now. I really wish that I had the answer for you to the question of how to communicate with someone that has no desire to communicate my only suggest is to think of your son and allow that to be the driving force behind your need to communicate with his father.
Sadly Jennifer I am not sure of what you should do in this circumstance but one thing I know for sure is that you can't communicate with someone who will not communicate with you. Keep doing your best with the cards you've been dealt. He'll wish he had communicated more.
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