Start Seeing Diversity: Gender and Sexuality

Two topics related to diversity and identity development in young children that are important to address- but are often not addressed- are gender and sexual orientation. Some people may be uncomfortable about these topics, some may have strong beliefs about the morality of them, and others may not know where to begin, but not addressing them does more harm than good. Young children are aware of the world around them and the messages that it sends, as adults we may often overlook these subtle social messages that children readily pick up on. This past week I paid more attention to things in the media that influence children and was surprised at the number of heterosexist (and/or homophobic) and gender stereotypical messages that they sent.

Most of the books that I picked up at the public library depicted children in a two-parent heterosexual family and while flipping through children’s shows on TV, almost all of the families I saw were made up the same way: a mother, father, and children- all upholding stereotypical gender roles.  Toys and their packaging were a similar story; most toys were gender-specific and advertised as such (dolls for girls, action toys for boys, etc.) in pink and blue packaging. Family games showed pictures of two parents, a mother and father, and their children. I did not see any TV shows or toy/game packaging with same-sex parents and I saw very few library books with diverse families. Children who look at these things are gaining messages-either that their family is not normal and represented (children with same-sex parents) or that their family is normal and right (children with heterosexual parents).

This is really saddening, and worrisome, because there are many children who come from diverse families, which include households of same-sex parents.  For children with same-sex parents, seeing their families represented could help them feel that their families are accepted, and therefore that they are accepted; for children in heterosexual-headed households, seeing other family types can help them become more aware and accepting of other family types. My belief is that as early childhood professionals we need to put our personal beliefs and biases aside to create a welcoming and stable environment that promotes the positive identity development of all children-regardless of their family structure.

Some people believe that early childhood centers should avoid including books that depict gays, lesbians, and same-sex partnered families; this is very upsetting and unfortunate as it is restrictive and excludes quality literature and resources. As early childhood professionals, our goal is to foster healthy development (including identity development) in ALL children; excluding families is sending the message that we are not supportive or accepting of them. If we are including/representing all family types in our classrooms and responding honestly and accurately to children’s questions and comments then we are taking a big step towards promoting tolerance and acceptance and fostering positive identity development in all children. By providing books that depict same-sex partnered parents, we are not teaching sexuality or “promoting” homosexuality, instead we are recognizing that these families exist and are an important part of our community.

Note: This topic is part of the current news here in California; I found this article (Schools must teach more gay, disabled history) earlier this week and thought it was relevant to this topic that we have been discussing! I was extremely disheartened at the comments that objectors were making about this new law, it will be interesting to see when/how it goes into effect.

A Big Thank You!

I cannot believe that we are getting so close to the end of this journey! Each of these classes seem to go by faster and faster…I have learned so much over these past 8 weeks, thanks in part to having such wonderful classmates. Thank you all so much for all of the insights you have shared with me and the support you have given me, I am so thankful to have such amazing colleagues!

Aside from giving my colleagues a big thank you, I wish that the knowledge we gain will help us enrich the lives of the children and families we work with. I hope that the knowledge we have gained will also help us grow professionally and that we can use it and the resources we have found to help us strengthen our programs, foster healthy development in all children, and be successful professionals in our field.

I am looking forward to moving into the specialization courses and hope that I will be in the same classes as many of you and we can continue to share resources, ideas, and knowledge. I would love to keep in touch, you can find me on Facebook or e-mail me through the Walden University class e-mail and I will give you my personal e-mail address.  Best of luck to everyone!!

The Adjourning Phase

Adjourning is the process of saying goodbye, of leaving a group or team of people that you have grown to trust and respect. When we start out in a team, we often don’t know others very well; we go through the introductory or forming stage, and then move on through the other stages of group development (storming, norming, and performing) until it is time for the group to adjourn.

In some situations saying goodbye is easier than others; groups with high-performance and clearly established norms are more difficult to leave than others because they have often made it through all of the stages of group development while some adjourn before really working together. A high-performing group or one with established norms is more likely to have built up trust, respect, and camaraderie with each other-they have worked with each other and therefore may find it harder to adjourn than a group that has not been productive, has been engaged in conflict, or has no trust among its members.

The hardest group that I have left was a group that worked well together-even though our performance wasn’t necessarily the best we became close to each other, had established trust and friendship, and knew and performed our tasks well. We often met outside of our group meeting times and had lunch and discussed things other than our group work; it was fun and we enjoyed each other’s company. This group was a small study group for one of my undergraduate classes-myself and two others-and when the class ended we had a celebratory dinner and vowed to keep in touch. We still talk sometimes but without the bond of the group we are not as close as we once were.

To be honest, I had not really thought about adjourning from this group of colleagues at Walden University and now that I think about it, it makes me sad! I feel that over this past year I have really gotten to know some of my colleagues and enjoy discussing things with them, hearing their perspectives, and receiving their support. When this program is over, I will miss my colleagues even though we have never actually met in person. Hopefully part of our adjourning process will be exchanging contact information because I hope that we will remain in touch and continue to share our ideas and experiences with each other!

I think that adjourning is a necessary stage of teamwork because it gives closure to a project or goal and allows us to move forward. Working with familiar team members is great, but working with new teams and new people can help us grow even more. I think that without the adjourning process we would not really able to do this and so, as sad as it is, we must adjourn and move on. Hopefully we will take what we have learned from our past teams and use these experiences to better our future team/group skills!  

Conflict Resolution

"You can’t shake hands with a clenched fist." – Indira Gandhi

Unfortunately, I experience communication conflicts often with my son’s father (we have been separated since shortly after Jack’s birth); as of now we hardly ever speak to each other and most of our communication is done via email. This saddens me because I wish that we could put our differences aside and focus on what we have that connects us-our son, Jack.

Two strategies that I have learned that have helped me resolve some of the conflicts between us are: (1) knowing when to change the mode of communication-or even leave the conversation for later-and (2) to leave anything that can be perceived as criticism or judgment aside. I have learned that rather than continuing a discussion when he clearly does not agree or want to talk is not effective; now when he shuts down I ask him if he would like to email me or discuss the issue later. This seems to help as it can give us time to think about what we want to say and time for us to cool down and communicate with less anger. The second strategy I found helps me to communicate better with him is to make my statements very neutral and focused on Jack rather than us; I try to stick just to the issue that we are discussing and  try to leave my opinions out and use words that are not accusatory or negative. This strategy also seems to help because I am trying to respect his opinions as Jack’s father rather than putting him on the defense. Ultimately, what I have learned is that I cannot keep going back to what was said or done in the past; I must be able to be open to communicating with him and be willing to accept his perspectives if I want to establish any positive communication interactions with him. Although it has been hard, I have been trying to look at things from his perspective and understand where he is coming from.

Sadly, our communication situation is less than ideal. I would love to be able to discuss parenting issues with him as he does play a role in our son’s life but he has made it clear that he does not wish to talk to me. I am glad to learn about new conflict resolution strategies and nonviolent communication skills but my main problem is how I can effectively communicate with someone who has made it clear he does not want to communicate with me.  I think that this problem can be found in other situations too, including some in the early childhood field such as when parents (or teachers) do not wish to discuss certain topics that may be important…Does anyone have any ideas on how to effectively communicate with someone who does not wish to communicate or who is not reciprocating?

Who Am I as a Communicator?

This week, I evaluated myself as a communicator and then asked two other people (one a family member and one a colleague) to evaluate me as well. I was a little surprised that their results were very similar but I my personal results showed that I feel I have elevated communication anxiety and am moderately verbally aggressive. However, my mother and coworker both said that I had moderate communication anxiety and although their results also said I was moderately verbally aggressive their result numbers were slightly lower than mine. I thought that this was interesting because I feel that when I communicate my emotions show-I think I appear very nervous when speaking publicly and I feel that people know when I am not happy with them. However, the two people I asked to evaluate me did not appear to think so. I think that maybe I am more critical of myself sometimes!  Both my coworker and family member said that I was a people-oriented listener and this is how I evaluated myself as well. I was glad that these results were consistent because I consider myself to be a good listener and am happy that others view me in the same way.

One of the main insights that I learned about communication this week is that whenever we communicate with someone, whether it be verbally or nonverbally, we are presenting ourselves to them. Just as we form perceptions about them, they are forming them about us. I think that this is important to remember as a professional because we want to be effective communicators and respect the children and families that we work with. Another insight that I found to be surprising was that people-oriented listeners can be too trusting of others sometimes. After reading this and thinking about it I realized that this description fit me and that my listening style may influence my perceptions and judgments of others; our listening style is an important part of our communication style and how we perceive ourselves and communicate with others.

Diversity and Communication

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.” –Anthony Robbins

Culture and diversity are complex issues that go beyond what we see on the surface. Our culture influences our daily interactions, beliefs, and perceptions of the world-which in turn, influences our communication, including communication styles and nonverbal cues. Throughout our day we encounter many people: our family, neighbors, colleagues, children and their families, store clerks, etc. Although we may share some similarities with some of these people, there is also a lot of diversity, whether it be in ethnicity, religion, politics, sexual orientation, abilities, age, etc.

Thinking about my interactions with the different people I encounter throughout the day made me realize that I do communicate differently with people from different groups and cultures and do not even realize that I am acting differently.

When I am at work, I speak more formally and do not share as much personal information with my colleagues as I do with my friends and family. When I am with my friends I use more slang and we have many shared experiences that we refer to. When I speak to the parents of my students I try to choose my words carefully and smile a lot. When I speak with families who do not speak a lot of English I tend to use more hand gestures to explain things more clearly (although when I think about it now, most of my hand gestures probably do not make much sense!).  Throughout the day I communicate in many different ways without even consciously thinking about them.

I think that I could become a more effective communicator with my colleagues, friends, and families that I work with if I:

1. Use more people-oriented listening skills and try to be a more empathetic listener. I think that this will help me better understand other people and will show them that I care about what they are saying.

2. Watch and listen carefully to those I am communicating with so that I can pick up on any nonverbal cues and the speakers’ communication styles. This can help me accommodate to other speaking styles and help prevent communication failures.

3. Remember that my personal reality and perceptions are not the only ones out there. Even though I may share similarities with some people I interact with, we also have our differences as well. Taking our diversity into account and respecting everyone’s beliefs, opinions, perspectives, and realities will help me be a more respectful communicator and can open my eyes (and ears!) to new opportunities and learning experiences.

Communication In Action

Nonverbal cues are an important part of communication, but they can very easily be misinterpreted. I found this out when I watched a show I had never seen before, “Up All Night,” first without sound and then with sound. I was able to figure out some things with nonverbal cues while watching without sound but others were a bit harder. Here is a bit about my experience:

Without Sound:

-I assumed that two of the main characters were in a romantic relationship because of these nonverbal cues: wedding rings, closeness in proximity (sitting next to each other), touching (hugging, kisses), and sharing a bed.

-I assumed that when the female main character went into work she was meeting with her boss because the other employees appeared to be intimidated by her (quick nods, small smiles, backing away). After the main character sat down, talked on the phone and then spoke with another employee using cues such as raising her eyebrows and putting her hands on her hips I began to think that maybe she was the boss.

-The feelings that I saw expressed through nonverbal cues were: anxiety (shaking of the legs, frowning, using flustered-looking hand gestures), anger (waving hands, frowning, throwing arms up), happiness (smiling, hugging, laughing).

With Sound:

-The show started with the couple waiting for a pregnancy test result and they had appeared to be nervous and anxious; although I assumed that they were married I had thought that they were a newlywed couple. However, when watching with the sound on, I learned that they were celebrating their 7^th wedding anniversary and had been together for a long time.

-When the office scene appeared, I learned that my first assumption about who was boss was correct but that the two female characters were also friends and acted with almost equal authority in the workplace. 

-I had assumed that the female character and male character had their routine established; however, the episode I watched was the female’s first day back at work and the male’s first day as a stay-at-home dad so their routine was actually a new one and they were dealing with the recent changes to their routine.

I think that my assumptions would have been more correct if this was a show that I typically watched because the interactions between the characters would have been easier to interpret; when watching the show with the sound on I was surprised at how far from the plot I was. While I had some of the relationships right, I was wrong about a lot of the contexts and situations. One of my biggest “aha” moments was realizing that I had missed a lot of things because I assumed that the nonverbal behavior would be a substitute for verbal communication but this was a comedy and a lot of the nonverbal cues were sarcastic and had more of a comedic effect when seen with sound. If I watched this show regularly, or even again, I think I would be able to interpret the nonverbal cues a little bit better.

This exercise really opened my eyes to how much importance context and communication are. Just having a glimpse of something with no background knowledge led me to make some assumptions based off of my own perceptions and I learned that nonverbal cues really are ambiguous and can be hard to accurately interpret!